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chunkblower326
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read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: steve
Birthday: 3/26/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: not too much, running, IT, music such as Radiohead, Thursday, that kind of stuff.
avoid eye contact, do not react, act normal, stay calm, have another drink, throw the first stone, cheer at the gallows, eat your popcorn, fill out your census form, remember to set your alarm, abandon all reason, rat on your close friends, believe anything, shoot the messenger, put your muzzle on, call yourself a DJ, call yourself an MC, wait in line in, a can of worms with ultraviolence, just a bit of harmless fun, skim off the scum, go back to mum, this is a low-flying panic attack, in a backwards mirror, for all the tea in China, this is a round-up, follow the ant trail, start an opinion poll, recieve a bloody nose, have a quiet doze, sing a song of sixpence that goes
burn the witch
burn the witch
burn the witch
burn the witch
burn the witch
Expertise: Not focusing in class...is what im best at
Occupation: Other
Industry: Textiles
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Be Konstructive
MSN: BeKonstructive@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  szdesar@sbcglobal.net
Member Since:
11/1/2003
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| Bye my dearest Xanga. You have been there during good times, bad
times, and just times in general. You were an outlet of my
emotion and expression, and an extention of myself. I am feeling
this weblog is too personal for a public audience anymore. I now
turn you over to the internet graveyard. Rest in piece.
If you still want to contact me....
email - zdesar.2@wright.edu
AIM - BeKonstructive
MSN - BeKonstructive@hotmail.com
Yahoo! - szdesar@sbcglobal.net
Cell - (937)581-0326
For those of you not mature enough to deal with me in a reasonable
manner, don't bother talking to me. Besides, chances are, if you
can't do that, I think you're an asshole.
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| I'm going to start by saying this is directed at no particular person or persons in particular, but rather to everyone.
I feel like I've made huge personal strides in the past year.
Today I know that I am a more cheerful person to be around, I am more
confident in my self and my work, and most of all, I think I am an all
around better person. A few people have helped me with this, but
I think it was more personal than anything else. I wouldn't wish
depression on my worst enemy, and I think that is why I am posting this.
A particular moment strikes me as when I was particularly down, and I
had given up hope in just about everything, including myself. It
was a Friday afternoon, and the beginning of another weekend by
myself. It's a bit long, but if you bear with me, I think you'll
see what I'm getting at.
| I'll put up something that involves deeper thinking. This can be
taken in a literal sense, or however you want it. Just food for
thought.
As a child, one of my favorite things to do when it snowed was to wait
until the snow got all crispy on top, and then see how long I could use
my smaller size to an advantage by pressing my feet to the ground only
enough to make contact with the frozen snow, but not enough to breach
its surface. I used to do this for hours upon end, slowly walking from
one place to the next, and nothing ever seemed to feel quite so
satisfying to me as the moment when I realized that I’d been all around
my back yard, and yet I had not made a single footprint, even despite
the fact that the entire yard was covered in snow. I could stand
smack-dab in the middle of a clearing, several inches taller than I
usually was, thanks to the snow beneath my feet, and there would be no
footprints around me to tell others how I had gotten there. It was as
if I had flown there, but even the ground where I had landed did not
reveal a single crack.
I remember getting up one morning after it had snowed the night before,
and leaving the house before anyone else had had a chance to go
outside. The sun was shining and the air was crisp, cool, and
relaxing. After I’d made it to the center of my back yard I
looked around myself, to where no one prior to me had been, and so
there were no footprints, not even my own, there was simply this huge
circle of untouched, unbroken white purity, the whole of it glittering
as the sun’s rays made contact with it, and I was in the center of it
all. The trees around me were also shining, their branches coated in
ice and utterly still; I could see the air as I exhaled it in front of
my face, and everything was silent…there weren’t even cars on the road,
nor could I hear sounds from any wildlife, and everything around me was
just so utterly breathtaking and exactly as it should be.
My only regret is that at this point in my life, I had not had a camera
to capture the image, to pin it up on my wall, and to immortalize it in
my life forever, but in the end, I suppose it is just as well, as
photographs never look exactly like the whole picture, and I’d prefer
to remember it as it was, not as some tiny, gloss-printed 4x6.
I’m not sure that I had, or have, ever seen anything so beautiful in my
entire life. It was almost as if God had sent down this one perfect
moment, this faultless landscape, just for me, and for no one else, as
I was the only one who could make it to the center without altering the
appearance in the least.
For whatever reason, being able to walk undetected on the top of the
snow made me feel powerful, strong, independent…and standing in the
center of that clearing is one of my favorite childhood memories…I
liked how no one could ever tell where I’d been, that I could leave no
trace, no evidence to my whereabouts other than the sound of my
laughter as I defied yet another snow-covered patch from breaking, and
yet I knew every place where others had been, their footsteps being
much heavier than my own, and spread all over the place.
But I am no longer a child, although technically, I suppose the term
still runs true. While I am nowhere near overweight, I can no longer
walk on snow-covered paths without breaching their surfaces and having
my foot plunge through the ice and to the ground beneath it.
It’s just sad. When it snows, no matter how firm the surface seems to
be, there is no place that I can go where no one knows I’ve been
there…my footsteps are no longer hidden from the world, and everyone
can see them, along with every time I slip and fall, leaving long,
gaping tracks in the snow, and I miss that. I really, really miss that.
Sorry if I depressed anybody. |
As I read through that again, I don't think I realized how down I was
at the time. I would like you to keep in mind that sometimes
people are more than just upset about things. Somedays I wished
for someone to talk to, which I only found in confiding with myself,
and other days I would rather be left alone. It really sucks, its
a hard feeling to explain. When I was in the chronological middle
of all of this, people began prank calling my house, among other things.
It seems the only thing people look after these days is big ole NUMBER
1... themselves. Casting other peoples feelings aside means
nothing, even if it effects people other than their intended target.
Looking back, I can see how fucked up everything was, the way people
treated me, the way I treated myself, and the way I treated
others. It all makes sense in hindsight.
The only message I want to leave you with is to reach out. It
sickens me to see the greed and selfishness of humanity. Talk to
someone who is sad, and ask them what is wrong. You could be the
world of a difference.
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| I think I've gone a little overboard with this whole computer
thing. I now have eight, yes count them, eight fans on my
computer. I'm kind of used to ignoring the sound, even though my
mom claims she can hear it through the wall.
I had orientation
today, which was mostly walking from one end of campus to the other,
just so I could wait in another line.
Schedule isn't too bad, I
have psych, calc I, religous theory and a "learning community", the
equivalent of what most people would call a study session.
The whole idea of the learning community is that everyone in your LC is
in two or more of your classes, and lives in the same building as
you. It's supposed to make the college transition easier. I
think that it's a good idea, and will be a great way for me to meet
some new people.
On the same broad topic of orientation, I was happy to see vegitarian
alternatives to each of the meals served. Though I have to admit,
I did not see too many people taking the meatless dishes.
That's about all I have for now. Pretty tired.
I'm gonna go to sleep, let this wash all over me.
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| IMMA KILL ALL YOU WHINEY KIDS THAT LISTEN TO COLDPLAY That is all. | | |
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